This newly added page will give you a sneek a peek into something you may be interested in…this week’s review focuses on the North East Minneapolis bar scene. Feel free to submit your reviews of anything…
Down and Out…but not out and down in N.E.
Screw it! What do you have to lose? You’ve been out all night in MPLS, maybe with co-workers you just pretend to be friends with, possibly with your college buds at a typical downtown bar filled with other dudes while ‘Jock-Jams’ volume 37 plays at decibels you’ve never heard or maybe, just maybe you’ve been getting boy band drunk in your garage alone. If you’ve ever driven on University Ave in N.E. near 22nd ave, then I know for a fact you have curiously glanced at a N.E. gem “The 22nd Ave Station.” Now it’s your time to man up and boldly go where your father goes every Sunday from 3:00 to 6:00 pm (stripping starts at 3 on Sundays). Where ever your night started, at least once in your life it should end at the “Double Deuce.”
Once you walk in the door you will likely be greeted by one of the big goon bouncers, be nice and give him your I.D., he is more scared of you than you are of him. As you walk toward the bar the stench of stale beer, Hedgies Pizza, and the sight of a make-shift stripping stage will make you realize you’re in the right place…a place where strippers come to die. Now it’s time to truly engage yourself in the experience. Order a beer and don’t be shocked if the haggled female bartenders are rude, they are just saying, “screw you punk, I hope you leave a tip.” In fact, I usually make a point of it to engage in some friendly insults, this back and forth banter will let them know you must be a ‘Norteaster’. Now, by this point your man instincts will be telling you to head toward “sniffers row,” don’t do it! You have to take in the ambiance (the other weirdo’s in the bar). Usually, my friends prefer to let the entertainment come to us. The easiest trick is to head to the south end of the bar, there you will notice a Jukebox on the wall with a sign reading “for dancers only” (this is where they pick out their money makin’ music). Walk up to it like you’re just a Jukebox enthusiast and pump a few quarters in there, within in seconds you are likely to be surrounded by a few females. Don’t be intimidated by their yelling, just tell them you wanted to formally meet them before you objectify them on stage. Then slowly pull out your credit card and insert it into the ATM next to the Jukebox. This will let them know you mean business. Pull out a fat $20 bill, because that’s all you’ll need…she will be impressed.
Head back to the stage and take a seat and enjoy. Don’t take out your cell phone or you might be yelled at for “Hitch Hikin” (a phrase used by people taking pictures or obsessively looking at the girls while they are turning their dollar tricks on stage). If you drink enough and muster up the courage to get a little more intimate, call a girl over and tell her you need a personal dance. It will be personal and likely on an old chair sitting next to the stage, which is conveniently located between the rear Men and Women’s bathroom. You only live once, but you might die twice once you wake up the next morning and realize you married one of the entertainers. Trust me the Double Deuce is a must see.
I especially enjoyed the venue in which I was first priveledged to this charming account of the duece duece. Usually when I am going to sleep I start prepping myself to slip into a terrible night filled with nightmares of people getting their fingernails pulled out with pliers, and walking into a biffy and looking down the hole right before you have to sit on the shit and piss filled abyss, however this bedtime tale changed that all. My dreams were instead filled with laughs and hugs, and a long walk on an endless beach hand in hand with angels. Stripper angels. I thank you for that sir.
This is a great Review.